John Dennis Hastert Needs Food... NOW!

Mr. J. Denny Hastert needs food now, very badly. I came to this conclusion upon sighting two pictures of the formidable House Speaker, each several years apart. In this first picture Mr. Hastert seems to be signifying that he would be happier, if only he had a ham hock between his hands (or perhaps his happiness would increase exponentially if he had a ham hock in each of his hands. Alas, this is not for me to know.)

It has also been suggested by some astute readers with eyes closely attuned to subtle nuances, that Mr. Hastert may simply be trying to clap, or perhaps crush the microphone in his hands. Both of these silly explanations are completely silly, however, and in fact they would only not be silly if an infants made this remark to the board of governors. You see, if Mr. Hastert were really to clap, the sound would be so loud that he would make all the heads of Congresspersons blow up and perhaps even cause the Capitol to sink into the ground. While this might create another Atlantis located at the bottom of the Potomac (very exciting!), it would also most likely destroy Mr. Hastert in the process (not really as exciting, and probably not very good for Mr. Hastert). And crushing a microphone really makes no sense because his hands are much too large to grasp onto such small devices.

And this photograph -- what some may call an "artist's rendition" depiciting "dramatized events" -- Mr. Hastert has clearly grown exponentially. Apparently it is because he has been eating little mens called "dummycrats." It is unclear from this photo exactly what a dummycrat is, but I believe it is a delicacy from Mr. Hastert's home district, perhaps something akin to a crawdad or other arthropod. It is difficult to tell, however, and perhaps, if another photographer can get closer without being ensnared in evil Jabba the Hastert's maw, we may finally identify this likely near-extinct dummycrat.

Only time will tell how large Mr. Hastert may grow. And this brings me to the topic of this post. You see, should Mr. Hastert continue to expand, soon he will become a planet. Specifically, he will become planet X5J3780, a small body orbiting far from the sun, but nonetheless exhibiting incredible magnetic, electric, and gravitational powers capable of destroying most things by simply looking at them. I would post a picture of this future Mr. Hastert, but I am afraid for the childrens that read this regularly and believe they would only be very afrightened and cry to their mommies incessantly. So to prevent this, I have not posted this picture here.

In conclusion, let's all help Mr. Hastert acheive his life's dream and get him food now. Thank you.